The day I discovered I am not Lara Croft

The other day I experienced a slightly annoying moment where my ridiculously overpriced and recently purchased pair of shoes broke.

Disappointed with this outcome I decided to stop into the store where I acquired them and see what they could do for me.

This is when I became trapped in the Hudson Bay Center!!

Now I have watched Christmas specials where kids gets locked in a department store and its super fun and they get a new mum from a magical fairy that brings a manikin to life…but I am telling you right now, this was not what happened to me!!

After my brief discussion regarding my shoes I attempted to leave the store only to watch the roller doors come down moments before I reached the exit.

‘oh is that the time? they must be closing’ I thought.

‘I guess I’ll just go to the other exit’ I thought.

You would think finding the other exit would be the rational and simple solution to my not so dramatic problem…well THINK AGAIN!!!

As I quickly scooted around to another exit I discovered the jerk with the roller door key had already beaten me to this one.

Determined to get the hell out of this store I starting desperately searching for a third exit.

Finally, after close to 5 minutes of searching, I see the light and lock eyes with the third exit…only to discover that my arch-nemesis, the Roller Door Man was already there.


We locked eyes, he stood tall trying to deter my advances with his neatly pressed rent a cop uniform and then as I started to move toward him…the son of bitch hit the close button.

I felt my heart start to pound as I watched others run and slide under the door and thought….F&*K you arch-nemesis you will not defeat me.

During my slight jog towards the exit I started to notice that there may be a chance that I was not actually running towards an exit and was instead running towards further entrapment in a different section of this underground mall maze.

Due to my hesitation (as I tried to decide which side of the door I wanted to be on) it soon became evident that the only way I could reach the other side was if I summoned my inner Lara Croft and slide under the door.


Thanks to this experience I now know that I have no inner Lara Croft *Insert sad face*

Being trapped in a department store in its own right is upsetting.

Being trapped in a department store and discovering that you have no inner Lara Croft pushes the whole situation to the point of heartbreaking.

Accepting my new life!

Admitting defeat I decided to calm down and do what all of the other rats who were unsuspectingly trapped in this building were doing and shop.

I spent close to 15 minutes pretend shopping/ trying not to have a panic attack as I searched for a sales assistant.

Now I was in Top Shop. Everyone in Top Shop looks hip and sombre and is carrying handfuls of clothes, so it is really hard to determine who is working and who is shopping. Eventually I found someone and asked them ‘how can I exit?’.

They pointed me to the three exits I had already tried and then said “Oh are we closed?!?!”

That was the moment I realized my situation had gone from bad to worse. Not only was I trapped, with no Lara Croft abilities, the people who were trapped with me were complete idiots!!!!

Anyway to make a long story short 15 minutes, 4 escalator rides and a run towards an upper level exit later….I finally exited the Hudson Bay Department Store.

As I stepped onto Granville street (Vancouver) I took several deep breaths and soaked in my new found freedom.

This whole experience made me realize a few things about myself.

A: My dreams of living in a department store and constantly enjoying new designer things had been extremely convoluted.

B: That I wouldn’t last more than 5 minutes in jail


C: Not having complete control over my life makes me extremely anxious.

All of this happened on the same day as the Boston Marathon Bombings, which I had been following religiously on the news. I can only assume that this added to my anxiety.

It made me realize that although I had done my best to not let the idea of terrorism coerce me into living in fear…on some subconscious level it had. With the slightest inkling of lost control sending me into a panicked frenzy.

It’s a sad realization and one that I hope to combat, in the meantime for anyone else who suffers from spurts of irrational anxious emotions..check out this awesome project and song by Ze Frank

Till next time,


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