Recently I joined a gym.
I’ll be honest, it was not my intention to join. At first I was just looking to go for a month because I had seen some unflattering photos of myself on the internet. My plan was to purchase a one month Groupon deal and set the goal of shedding some quick pounds, feeling a little better about myself then moving on with my life.
I however, did not anticipate that I would encounter the worlds peppiest gym recruiter and that she would spend her days wearing me down to nothing more than a minor spec on the floor of this crazy cults workout grounds so that I would join.
Now don’t get me wrong personality wise she is a very nice girl. However, that didn’t stop her from making me feel as though life without a gym membership wasn’t worth living, calling me nearly everyday and making me believe that my future happiness depended on this gym membership.
I resisted for some time…until the dreaded “ladies night”. Now what is ladies night? you may ask…I’ll tell you!! It is a night at the gym where they pamper you for being born with female genitalia, get you drunk on champagne then pounce on you with offers of discounted gym membership.
I like free stuff, so naturally I got myself a little drunk on the free champagne. It was in this bubbly haze that I decided it was better to join the gym I couldn’t afford then to deal with the constant harassment from their recruitment staff.
Now because I am a douche bag I gave this girl the numbers of all of my friends so that she could inflict her sales techniques on them as well. So far she has cracked one…but I am sure the others will eventually end up joining as well.
So now I have a gym membership.
Once I became a member the recruiter appeared to be a distant memory…I began to taste freedom. I started to enjoy working out and answering my phone again.
That was until I went to the “free personal training session” they offered me with my membership.
This session was a trap!!!
This session sent me straight into the arms of a personal trainer who would then become the new recruiter.
Words such as “you can’t put a price on your health”, “you need to focus your priorities” and “what are you goals” began ringing in my ears.
In her eyes spending an absurd amount to join the gym in the first place wasn’t enough?!?! Apparently in order to demonstrate my true commitment to health I needed to continue spending my non-existent money on a personal torturer…whoops, I mean “trainer”.
Actually that is a lie, I completely meant to say torturer…because that is what a personal trainer really is. A personal trainer is the kind of messed up human being that gets their kicks out of making fat people jump around until they see death standing in front of them.
This woman made me do so many squats that by the end of our session I was walking like someone had shoved a stick up my ass!!! In fact my legs were so messed up I couldn’t walk down a set of stairs without holding on the railing and screaming in pain for 4 days!!!!!
Fighting back against the cult leaders.
This time I had had enough, I am sorry but what part of I am a Freelance Writer don’t these people understand???
My income is as volatile as my personality!! One week I am killing it the next I am panicking and thinking I would be better off as a self employed hooker.
In addition, I have no desire to be a body builder, my career does not rely on my looks, I have no desire to quit booze, never eat chocolate and limit myself to a diet of lettuce!!!
All I wanted was to work out for a month while I waited for the weather to warm us so I could go back to exercising outside. And by exercising outside I mean, riding my bike around and drinking beers in the sun!!!
Instead I am now that person who goes to the gym 5 days a week.
That person who spends more time getting changed, showering and sitting in the sauna then actually working out.
That person who thinks taking a ‘dancersize’ class will be fun only to realize that when sober they are as coordinated as a three legged dog.
That person who spends more time sitting on the weight lifting equipment scoping out hot men then actually doing weights.
And…..That person who feels the need to tell the world via a blog post that they work out.
Till next time,