I am by no means what one would call a ‘great Facebook user’ I am actually a’borderline…and I use the word borderline loosely… annoying user.
I tend to update a little more than I should, call it post happy if you will, and every morning when I wake up I ‘Like’ the shit out of everything my sleepy little eyes see.
Regardless of my own sins I still feel that I am justified making a Facebook etiquette list and I hope that as a reader you will be able to take some valuable lessons away from this post.
I don’t care about your relationship status
You’re in a relationship, you are not in a relationship…oh wait…it’s complicated…no…now your engaged?!?!….oh but its complicated again…..
Well guess what….I DON”T GIVE A F%&K…neither do your other 200 friends.
Maybe I did when you first broke up…but 600 relationship changes later I stopped caring. Now I just think you are an idiot and I am rethinking my cyber connection to you.
Enough with the dead animal photos
I consider myself a very passionate about animal rights, yet I can’t handle having constant dead animal updates flooding my news feed.
It is super depressing and I don’t look at them I just remove the person from my news feed.
Put a thought provoking discussion about animal rights or information about how I can help fight against animal cruelty and you will have my attention.
But shocking disturbing photos just make me upset and I cover them with my hand and look away. It has the opposite effect to what you want.
Fight with your partner in your own time and not on my news feed.
I will read your fight, I will think about your fight, I will probably even forward details of your fight to a mutual friend…and laugh…its like an online drama series for me. I don’t need this distraction in my day!!!
Also I don’t want to feel like a douche for making fun of you. It’s embarrassing, you are embarrassing yourself…stop it!!! Just stop it!!!
Don’t ‘like’ posts that send prayers or tell you amazing things will happen if you hit ‘like’ and type 1 in the comment box.
I think this one is pretty self explanatory. No prayers will be sent. NOTHING WILL HAPPEN WHEN YOU TYPE 1 IN THE COMMENT BOX!!!
Firstly I am always amazed by how many people type ‘1’ then immediately after comment that nothing happened..as if they are surprised?!?!
Secondly, don’t tempt everyone else on your Facebook to share this spam…I don’t want to share the spam but I might and it will be your fault.
PDA (Public Displays of Affection)
OK I can deal with the occasional cute display of love, like an adorable photo or a lovely comment. However continuous love posting to one another and discussions of love accompanied by couple photos that are borderline soft core porn is not cool!!!
We all know what relationships look like, if I want to see over the top displays of love I will watch a shitty romantic comedy starting Ashton Kutcher.
Stop trying to smother everyone with your love and go back to privately text messaging your mushy crap.
I love your children, like I love everything else in life…in moderation.
Much like when I drink too much wine and it makes me want to vomit, looking at 600 photos of your baby and reading updates that involve its pooping habits, what diapers it uses and how it was vomiting all night and kept you awake also makes me want to vomit.
I want to live in a world where once a month I see a cute photo of a tiny human dressed as a bear and think OHHHH CUUUTTTTEEEEE and hit ‘like’.
I don’t want to know that in reality you have a tiny demon from hell that poops and vomits everywhere. I can’t relate to this and it makes me think that you are insane for wanting something that poops and vomits that much to inhabit your house!!!
“I’m hungry”…….. oh really?!?! That’s super interesting NOT!! Here is an idea, instead of boring the shit out of everyone who took 3 seconds out of their life that they will never get back to read that mundane update make yourself a f*&king sandwich.
When I am on Facebook trying to kill time I want to be entertained. You aren’t writing these updates for yourself you are writing them to entertain all of the people who are connected to you. Stop being boring, stop telling me boring things. If you don’t have anything interesting to say then say nothing at all!!! This way my news feed won’t get clogged up by your shitty updates and will instead become filled with funny memes and cute puppies.
Anyway I should probably quit while I am ahead.. actually come to think of it I am not ahead at all…this is the point where I am beginning to accept that there is high chance that 99% of my Facebook friends will become insulted by this post and delete me.
If this happens it will actually be a super sad day that will probably result in a post that discusses how boring Facebook has become now that nobody publicly talks about their relationship drama or tells me gross baby stories.
Till next time